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 It’s clear from the phrasing of King’s question that she knew she was heading into murky waters, but the mere fact that she presented it to twigs—even with a qualifier—brings up an important question for us all: Why do we still think it’s appropriate to interrogate survivors of domestic abuse about why they stayed, instead of asking what structural support, material resources, or other forms of help they needed and lacked in order to embolden their own sense of agency?

One in four women and one in seven men will be victims of domestic abuse in their lifetime, according to CDC data, yet as a society, we still don’t know how to talk to survivors about it. “If there had been nothing good, I wouldn’t have stayed,” anti-trafficking advocate Rachel Lloyd wrote of a prior abusive relationship in her 2011 autobiography Girls Like Us, and sadly that narrative holds true for many survivors; after all, many abusers are experts at love-bombing their victims when necessary, thus making it easier for those victims to stay on the assumption that this time will be different.

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